Sunday, 12 July 2009

Have you ever had that feeling; fear? The irrepressible, all controlling, sucking you into a black hole feeling. I've had it once, truly, at Christmas when I was in hospital struggling to breathe and barely holding my exhausted body back from giving into the voice in my head that was telling me just to give up, for a little bit at least. That was pretty scary.

Today I am scared. Luckily it isn't the consuming fear I mentioned, but I am pretty scared. I had a seizure last night, a little impromtu one, while James, Towler, Tom, Shona, Arlo and myself chatted in my garage after the rain ruined our little barbeque. While I was talking to James I could feel my torso shaking uncontrollably so I told Arlo to get me to bed. I got as far as the kitchen before I collapsed to my knees after tripping over my feet. Which was fair enough. I mean, I'd been fighting it all day and I didn't call off the little evening itself, so it wasn't so surprising that one would happen.

It's today that's the scary bit. In my parents house on my own feeling spacky. I can feel myself being a moody pissy little bitch too which doesn't help. Every time I stand up I get the worst head rush you can imagine. My left foot keeps dragging and I know it's just a matter of time before I trip up.

I had hoped this afternoon to go to Liverpool with the boys. One wanted to see some New York chiptune bands, upon listening it sounded a little like Nintendo music combined with a beat. I had a feeling I wouldn't be up for the gig itself, but then we could kip at mine and the boys could go off to the gig and it'd all be roses. But having walked around my house for a little bit this morning I realised it wasn't going to happen. I told the one who wanted to see the band I didn't feel I was up to it and, understandably he got annoyed. I kinda don't know how to fix this though. Erm, I'm sorry that my migraine induced seizures almost barely got in the way of your life? I hate having people mad at me, so this is driving me crazy.

So yeah, self pitying galore today. I'm just nervous I'm going to hurt myself and send myself steps back again. Just feels like this self perpetuating cycle. And reading that back makes me sound like a self harmer! Oh dear, that was not the intention. Ah well, I think perhaps I should just publish this thing and forget about everything.

Another thing that is pretty scary at the minute is my new relationship. I mean, I'm still kind of scared of all this, the vulnerability and openness. I can't seem to shut it off with him though. I have this insatiable urge to be with him, which is scary. The most scary bit is I'm scared he'll find all this too much reality. I just feel terribly insecure about the whole thing and I keep looking at him and wondering if one day he's going to realise that I'm young and immature and a pest. Time will tell. I'm going to stop being self pitying and go read or something. All this is helping no one.

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