Wednesday, 29 July 2009


Update: he now has a face and paws. He is also now a meerkat, not a monkey. Ross suggested him to be a dinosaur, but meerkat it is.
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Is this a monkey or a meerkat? I cannot decide. I'm pretty sure that it's neither. It's the latest of my sympathy dolls. His tail and arms were supposed to be massive. I'll take a photo of the outline I used as a demonstration of how wrong it's gone. He's pretty interestingly shaped though.

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Tuesday, 28 July 2009

Hertford, cats and music

This weekend I went and stayed with my sister and brother in law in Hertford. It was just what I needed; a few days away from the bustling busy life in the city, the ever mounting kipple in my room and the closing in exams at the end of August. It was so peaceful, and very good to see my fam. I hate that they're so far down South and that I don't get to see them more often. I suppose it makes me appreciate it much more though. I spent a lot of the time playing with their cat, Toshi. Toshi was adopted when she was a tiny ball of fluff of unknown sex, so they named her Toshi after Toshiro Mifune. Not the most suitable name when it turned out she was a little girl! She's absolutely gorgeous and I always like to snap photos of her.

I'd love to live somewhere beautiful like Hertford. Near a city, but in the country and full of boutiques and quiet enough to remind you to relax. With lots of greenery, naturally. There were many barge boats there, including one that was a hotel wonderfully enough. I could happily live on a canal boat sailing around the country at whim. Perhaps one day I will.

Now I'm back in Liverpool, complete with a ridiculous amount of music from Julie and James and Japanese Conversation. I have managed to hoover up, learn how to work the heating system, do a load of washing and handwashing, and do some studying. I feel I have been rather productive since I got back.

I've been working my way through 'M' it seems today, having listened to Morphine's "The Night", the best of Marc Bolan and T Rex, Manu Chao's "Proxima Estacion" and Maps "We Can Create". All excellent music, I suggest all of it.

Wednesday, 22 July 2009

Oh Fiddlesticks

Well. Fuck.

Dear body,
I know that it's hard to always be functional. I mean, coordinating all those organs and processes must be a real chore. But not that I'm saying you don't put in a large amount of effort as it is, could you please put in a tiny bit more effort? Perhaps concentrate on healing one of the areas that constantly goes wrong, such as my head? That way, when your run of the mill sickies comes along it won't be such a big deal.
Yours truly,

The latest is a wonderment of stomach cramps, back ache and nausea. Oh I am so lucky.

I'm thinking of relinquishing my spot on the volunteering for Dr Fenton. If he can find someone well enough to do it all the time it'd be better for him. Also, I need to be realistic with myself. Maybe I need to slow down. What is really important right now is passing those exams at the end of the summer. I need to be well enough to sit them and study for them. If my body's going to keep throwing up problems at this current regularity, I won't have the spare time to study as I'll be helping out more. I don't know, I really want to help and I've really enjoyed helping. But those exams are so important. Going to speak to my sister about it this week. See what she says.

New Dawson's Creek notings:
1. Fuck they have a black principal. How forward thinking of them. Dawson's Creek non white population has now gone up to 4 males.
2. Wow Joey really doesn't wear a bra that much. She and Bessie were folding up a sheet in the first episode of season 3 and both of them were rocking the swinging free style.
3. I think Jen is starting to waddle more. I have just spent some time on the internet to try and find an illustration of this. This is the best I've found so far: example 1. Imagine that picture continued with her feet spread frog like.
4. Remembrance from Season 1 - no wonder she didn't win the talent show. Joey Potter slowly destroyed 'On My Own' from Les Miserables one miserable baby voiced word at a time.


Tuesday, 21 July 2009


Despite BT's ever brilliantly frustrating attempts to thwart the ease of moving into my new flat, we finally have a working phone line and, more importantly to the Web 2.0s of the world such as myself, we now have the internet. Up and running and working and connecting. Excellent. BT's last attempt was to send me an email saying the phone number had changed, which it hadn't. Ignoring all the several conversations with the incomprehensible uttering woman, it would have been moderately difficult.

I have been watching more Dawson's Creek. The latest things I have noticed are:
1. How slightly racially lacking this show is. Continuing on from my last mention of this, Dawson came in drunk to his 16th birthday party, spotted a slightly racial guy and went 'wassup dude'. Well done The Creek.
2. Grams' hair was dyed for an episode where it looked like she'd get a date. Then suddenly her gray roots were back.
3. The best line ever appeared in this program. It is so dated that Pacey remarked "Have you seen this guy's house? He's so rich they have a satellite dish". Other dated remarks include Joey's "I'm not going to get kissed again until the millenium".
4. I used to wear my hair like some of Abby's awful hair dos. I was 11. She was supposed to be a sex starved 16 year old. No wonder they killed her off.
5. Jen is still waddling.
6. The 90s really loved see through material in dresses. I know this because I have a cranberry coloured dress with a see through material shrug. At Abby's funeral both Jen and Andie were wearing dresses with see through bits. That's 1/3 of the main cast and 2/3 of the females. Excellent.

And I'm not going for 10 today. We'll see how many other thoughts pop up.

Also also I saw Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince the other day. Sadly I cannot remember as much of this book as I wanted. Just got Arlo all the audiobooks so I can remind myself of how much they missed out. However, from what I do remember, I think I can conclude that this is a good one. I felt that the last one had just about gotten it right. But this one, it hit the nail on the head. I didn't bawl my eyes out when Dumbledore died like in the book - for the record if you did't know that and are all now 'aww spoilers' you have no excuse to not know that - but I was pretty sad. They didn't really go into the 'Half Blood Prince' bit that much, but I expect as they have 2 films to spread the last book out over they can go into that as much as they want. Kind of defeating the point of the film I guess, but meh. My one teeny tiny little big request is this. Please please please dear god can they perhaps teach Bonnie Wright aka Ginny Weasley how to use vocal intonations. She seems to be quite flat. I don't want to be mean and bitchy. But please, a little more urgency/fear/happiness/romance/emotion in your voice might boost the character seeing as she is the love of Harry P's life and thus is terribly important. That is all.

I think that's all. I'm getting quite tired now. Have been doing field work all day at Manor Wood, otherwise known as "Man I Cannot See Anything But Fucking Ferns and Bogs and Nettles" Wood. Ho ho ho I am hilarious. But yeah, several dead voles today. Apparently non waterproof traps, cold rain and mud do not do well for poor little rodents. We rescued one from the brink of death and put him in Becci's pocket to heat him up then Jen made a crisp packet nest for him complete with bedding and grain. I hope Voley lived. But yeah, I forgot my lunch. Error. I was so hungry this evening as a result. Not only did field work in general make me hungry but the fact that all I'd eaten was a slice of wholemeal bread and jam in the morning made it all the more worse. Tomorrow, I shall take sandwiches and nibbles. Good plan.

Night night.
Nos da.
Sleep tight.

Saturday, 18 July 2009


And not as in the Queen song.

There has been something in my life that has haunted me for a long time. I don't want to fully disclose what it was, just for personal sake. But whenever something would happen that reminded me of that event I would get flashbacks to that awful time and I would freak out. Kick, scream, punch, cry. Whatever the reaction, it wasn't pleasant. That had happened for the last 6 years as vicious and raw an emotion as it had ever been.

For the first time, this week, the trigger occurred, but nothing happened. It's gone. Someone in particular helped me get over it. The horrible memories are replaced with good ones. I couldn't believe it.

But that's also scary. The fact that he could banish something that plagued me for so long, in so little time. Perhaps it was just natural getting over it, but I don't know. All I know is that its gone and he's the new thing I think about. The vulnerable scared shitless side of me is going crazy right now. But at the same time I'm happy.

I don't think this post made any sense.

Wednesday, 15 July 2009

The last few days

... have been good.

My mum just whipped BT into shape. Some £150 debt had somehow appeared on their address and thus I was being forced to pay it. But mum shouted and now its gone and hopefully my phone line is sorted so I won't have to keep coming into the library to blog about pointless things.

I've been watching far too much Dawson's Creek for someone a) no longer in the 1990s and b) someone over 17 this last week. I am half way through season 2. I have noticed several things:
1. Jen (Michelle Williams?) waddles. Not a little bit, like a lot. She has no grace whatsoever in this program.
2. Fuck me is Joey (the one that married Tom Cruise) a whiny little annoying cow.
3. I want to hold a 90s party.
4. where the hell has Bessie's black boyfriend gone? He was overemphasised to the point that I don't remember his name - Jody, Body, Brody? - but now he seems to have disappeared. Now the only black guy in the whole show is an extra that has popped up in a camera pan at the school dance and in a camera pan across Capeside. They like black people in their shots apparently.
5. Dawson is weird looking. I'm sorry James van der Beek, but there is something unnerving about you.
6. I have a horrid feeling I have, at some point, talked like these precocious scripted weirdos.
7. Why did everyone have bad shoes in the 90s? Like, what are these sandally things? The ones with big wedges that were usually black and plasticy with elastic straps across them.I remember having some. Was there a bulk order for every girl around then? Either way, they were FIT.
8. I could cut the teen angst filling up my room with a knife. I swear I need to make my life more dramatic. "I just started doing art" "Oh yeah, that's a nice hobby" "It's my life dream you bastard you asshole what do you mean hobby oh fuck you I'm going to cut myself".
9. On the back cover of the Dvds it doesn't mention Andie McPhee but it mentions her brother. Oh told.
10. I felt I should get to ten. But there really isn't anything here. Oh actually, how about... Dawson's dad. DILF.

Clearly, Pacey is the only lead character that I don't have some large problem with, despite the frosting.

That is my thought for the day.

Sunday, 12 July 2009

Have you ever had that feeling; fear? The irrepressible, all controlling, sucking you into a black hole feeling. I've had it once, truly, at Christmas when I was in hospital struggling to breathe and barely holding my exhausted body back from giving into the voice in my head that was telling me just to give up, for a little bit at least. That was pretty scary.

Today I am scared. Luckily it isn't the consuming fear I mentioned, but I am pretty scared. I had a seizure last night, a little impromtu one, while James, Towler, Tom, Shona, Arlo and myself chatted in my garage after the rain ruined our little barbeque. While I was talking to James I could feel my torso shaking uncontrollably so I told Arlo to get me to bed. I got as far as the kitchen before I collapsed to my knees after tripping over my feet. Which was fair enough. I mean, I'd been fighting it all day and I didn't call off the little evening itself, so it wasn't so surprising that one would happen.

It's today that's the scary bit. In my parents house on my own feeling spacky. I can feel myself being a moody pissy little bitch too which doesn't help. Every time I stand up I get the worst head rush you can imagine. My left foot keeps dragging and I know it's just a matter of time before I trip up.

I had hoped this afternoon to go to Liverpool with the boys. One wanted to see some New York chiptune bands, upon listening it sounded a little like Nintendo music combined with a beat. I had a feeling I wouldn't be up for the gig itself, but then we could kip at mine and the boys could go off to the gig and it'd all be roses. But having walked around my house for a little bit this morning I realised it wasn't going to happen. I told the one who wanted to see the band I didn't feel I was up to it and, understandably he got annoyed. I kinda don't know how to fix this though. Erm, I'm sorry that my migraine induced seizures almost barely got in the way of your life? I hate having people mad at me, so this is driving me crazy.

So yeah, self pitying galore today. I'm just nervous I'm going to hurt myself and send myself steps back again. Just feels like this self perpetuating cycle. And reading that back makes me sound like a self harmer! Oh dear, that was not the intention. Ah well, I think perhaps I should just publish this thing and forget about everything.

Another thing that is pretty scary at the minute is my new relationship. I mean, I'm still kind of scared of all this, the vulnerability and openness. I can't seem to shut it off with him though. I have this insatiable urge to be with him, which is scary. The most scary bit is I'm scared he'll find all this too much reality. I just feel terribly insecure about the whole thing and I keep looking at him and wondering if one day he's going to realise that I'm young and immature and a pest. Time will tell. I'm going to stop being self pitying and go read or something. All this is helping no one.

Saturday, 4 July 2009

Bits and bobs

Today I am a drugs mule. Towler is feeling under the weather, and what cures dislike of being home in Wales more than Lucky Strikes and triple Malt Whiskey? Nothing better, surely? Thus I am armed with both, about to trek off to see him. Though first I have to finish my tortillas and sour cream, yum. Granted, it's no hummous. But there is no hummous in my parents house. Mother is quite anti chickpea it appears, so I'm currently going cold turkey.

I moved into my new flat on Tuesday. That was somewhat of an effort, but luckily I had helpful friends and parents to carry all my belongings up several flights. Everything fits in quite nicely in my room and it looks quite nice. Rob is moving in as we speak so hopefully we can finalise everything this week. Internet is being ordered, phone line is being connected. Excellent times.

I saw Transformers 2 this week. That was quite a bit of a mistake and only the fact that I was in my beloved FACT and could relax back in my seat distracted me mildly from the direness that was Michael Bay's concoction. Why the hell was RC now three robots? I liked that they shoved a constructicon in there, though initially I didn;t recognise what was going on with it. I thought the parents were quite amusing. Was there any real need for Shia the Beef's college room mate to be following them around all the time? He was about as useful as a sea cucumber on a hot day. Could they have stolen much more from the Matrix? The Decepticon's planet looked awfully familiar to the real world from the Matrix and the whole putting the bug into Shia the Shit was terribly similar. Not sure if it was supposed to be a homage or something, but it annoyed me. The end battle sequence was too long, though playing spot the sky as suggested by Glyn provided a suitable distraction - one minute it was sunset, then morning then mid afternoon blue. Not good Bay, not good. Where can I get a pair of white pants like Megan Fox? They only got slightly dusty right at the very end when she fell over, despite all the previous explosions and falling and dust and general dirt. Also Megan Fox running in slow mo sounds like it should be pretty fucking hot. It would have been, had she not been pulling a face like this. Out of all the millions of transformers there are, hey let's make some stereotypical black robots that are of no significance and have gold teeth and rings and ridiculous accents and faces I just want to punch. Also, I miss the garishness. When half the robots are steely grey it takes me 2 minutes to work out which is which. At least they got 1/3 of RC the right colour, though god knows why they bothered to put her in when she had no contribution to the plot whatsoever and for some reason had tripled. The only bit I genuinely laughed at was the old robot saying "My dad was one of the first robots! He was the wheel! You know what he transformed into? NOTHING!" I found this funny, though later realised it was innaccurate as he mus thave transformed into the wheel, but still. Let's not go crazy now.

Arlo foolishly fell for the few "appease the fanboy" moments such as oh hai a constructicon. Yeah I'm a fanboy, I'll admit it. He was arguing he liked it because of that. My argument is that is what they were there for. So that people would be like 'meh at least they did such and such'. I was ranting about it in the street and a random guy agreed with me. It was a big pile of steaming poo poo.

But there is something else I noticed that I had not previously considered. Steven Spielberg. He is slowly but surely ruining most of my childhood favourites. Granted, Shia Le Bastard is doing a good job too, but Spielberg is actually helping to make these films. Some of his recents are Tranformers 2 as producer, Indiana Jones 4 as director and 2 assistant director on Star Wars III. I love Spielberg. He's done some bloody good films. How can I dislike the man who wrote Animaniacs. But please Spielberg, please. Maybe we should stop now? If Tin Tin is a pile of poop I might have to come hunt you down and glove slap you. I mean, I would be too scared to, but darn it I'm going to rant like I am going to!

Oh dear, this has turned into a Transformers 2 review. Well UNSUPRISINGLY Transformers 3 is being made. I am not paying to see that. But I may waste a few hours of my life so I can rant about it and call people that enjoy it ridiculous cretins.