Friday, 8 May 2009

Well it's been a ridiculously long time since I updated this. I didn't even do a Uganda blog. I'm sure I will eventually. With piccymatures and everything.

Right now I'm just sitting in bed, trying to bring about a sense of consciousness. Thus I think writing my blog might help. Shit, I am obsessed with the word 'thus'. I must endeavour to stop using it.

I can't stop listening to Skinny Love by Bon Iver. It's such an amazing song. The singer broke up with his girlfriend, Emma, and his band in an Autumn and moved out to Wisconsin to live in a wooden hut. His intentions were to 'hibernate' but when he left he'd written his album "For Emma, Forever Ago". I love the tune to the song. But then you listen to the lyrics. His heartfelt, raw and bleeding emotion just pours through the lyrics "If all your love is wasted, then who the hell was I?". Just grabs me by the heart. I can't stop listening to it. Today I have listened to it perhaps 4 times. I'm on my second go in a row. Last night in the library, probably 5 times of the whole album on repeat, as it's quite short.

Right now I'm feeling pretty cack so I'm fairly sure listening to depressing music is barely going to help. I had managed to avoid a seizure for almost two months, but I gave in today. I was fighting with myself all through Dr Lycett's second lecture, pinching myself to distract from the pain in my eyes, in my head and the uncontrollable twitching of my arm. I tried to breathe slowly, but that made it worse. I tried to tell myself in my mind to calm down and stop. But I didn't fall for that. I decided to push myself through to the end, which was silly. At the end of the lecture, fighting back the tears of fear, I told Lucy to get me home. They scare the hell out of me. Seriously, I know I've had quite a few and you'd think that by having more you'd be used to them, but no. I just don't always know what was going to happen. And having one, while perching on a bollard while three of your friends look on, concerned and completely unsure of what to do iwas a novel experience for me. I've managed to always be in my room or Andy's room previously. I couldnt' stop twitching my legs and now they completely kill. Afterwards, I tried to get up to walk away and the wind blew me over. Kept losing control of my mouth.

Luckily, Lucy and Matt took the mick out of me a lot. I find that detracts from the scariness of it all. I still feel pretty shaken up. It was so awful, because there were just so many people about and all I wanted to do was hide away and tell the seizure to go away and leave me alone. I just hate it all so much. I still feel pretty upset now. It almost feels like I've taken a step back in a way.

So yeah, I've lost three hours of studying time so far today. I can't really concentrate. Writing down exactly what comes into your head is easy. But trying to force things into your head when you're tired and post seizure is hard.

Bad day.

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