They do change. Sometimes you're afraid that the change is a big and frightening monster that snaps at your face and pushes you down the stairs. Sometimes, it's not that bad.
Me and Andy broke up. That's a pretty big change. The worst bit is knowing that all that pain in his eyes is my doing and there's nothing I can do to change it, because otherwise that would be me going against my feelings. I think that pain there is my big scary monster.
At the minute, I'm lying bed on this chilly Sunday morning, playing the Eels and watching animal web cams on zoochat. For the record that's not something gross - they aren't in stockings and bras. Just sleeping/swimming/eating/moving. It's been left on the orcas at San Diego Sea World for some time now. The best one is of a Tapir mum and baby. Ignoring all that, this is a nice morning. I know for a fact that this is probably one of the last things I can do to avoid freaking physiology work. I've messed on facebook, looked up music, been on bash.org, passed through zoochat and now I'm on here, all before 9am. I missed my alarm but luckily Jason's creaking floor woke me up, as I know I'm supposed to be awake long before him.
Luckily I got a nice long sleep. Friday, after all the messy stuff, I went to my coursemates and caned a lot of beer. I was, to say the least, a mess. I keep thinking about that night. It was a good night.
Right now, I'm ostriching still. As long as I concentrate on something else and bury my head in the sand/revision, I don't have to think about the horrible stuff. However, I'd happily put physiological control systems up on the list of 'horrible stuff' so herein lies the issue.
No doubt I'll be back on later and do a day-by-day blog of Uganda.
.... oh my god, why didn't I think of that before.
Sunday, 17 May 2009
Friday, 8 May 2009
Well it's been a ridiculously long time since I updated this. I didn't even do a Uganda blog. I'm sure I will eventually. With piccymatures and everything.
Right now I'm just sitting in bed, trying to bring about a sense of consciousness. Thus I think writing my blog might help. Shit, I am obsessed with the word 'thus'. I must endeavour to stop using it.
I can't stop listening to Skinny Love by Bon Iver. It's such an amazing song. The singer broke up with his girlfriend, Emma, and his band in an Autumn and moved out to Wisconsin to live in a wooden hut. His intentions were to 'hibernate' but when he left he'd written his album "For Emma, Forever Ago". I love the tune to the song. But then you listen to the lyrics. His heartfelt, raw and bleeding emotion just pours through the lyrics "If all your love is wasted, then who the hell was I?". Just grabs me by the heart. I can't stop listening to it. Today I have listened to it perhaps 4 times. I'm on my second go in a row. Last night in the library, probably 5 times of the whole album on repeat, as it's quite short.
Right now I'm feeling pretty cack so I'm fairly sure listening to depressing music is barely going to help. I had managed to avoid a seizure for almost two months, but I gave in today. I was fighting with myself all through Dr Lycett's second lecture, pinching myself to distract from the pain in my eyes, in my head and the uncontrollable twitching of my arm. I tried to breathe slowly, but that made it worse. I tried to tell myself in my mind to calm down and stop. But I didn't fall for that. I decided to push myself through to the end, which was silly. At the end of the lecture, fighting back the tears of fear, I told Lucy to get me home. They scare the hell out of me. Seriously, I know I've had quite a few and you'd think that by having more you'd be used to them, but no. I just don't always know what was going to happen. And having one, while perching on a bollard while three of your friends look on, concerned and completely unsure of what to do iwas a novel experience for me. I've managed to always be in my room or Andy's room previously. I couldnt' stop twitching my legs and now they completely kill. Afterwards, I tried to get up to walk away and the wind blew me over. Kept losing control of my mouth.
Luckily, Lucy and Matt took the mick out of me a lot. I find that detracts from the scariness of it all. I still feel pretty shaken up. It was so awful, because there were just so many people about and all I wanted to do was hide away and tell the seizure to go away and leave me alone. I just hate it all so much. I still feel pretty upset now. It almost feels like I've taken a step back in a way.
So yeah, I've lost three hours of studying time so far today. I can't really concentrate. Writing down exactly what comes into your head is easy. But trying to force things into your head when you're tired and post seizure is hard.
Bad day.
Right now I'm just sitting in bed, trying to bring about a sense of consciousness. Thus I think writing my blog might help. Shit, I am obsessed with the word 'thus'. I must endeavour to stop using it.
I can't stop listening to Skinny Love by Bon Iver. It's such an amazing song. The singer broke up with his girlfriend, Emma, and his band in an Autumn and moved out to Wisconsin to live in a wooden hut. His intentions were to 'hibernate' but when he left he'd written his album "For Emma, Forever Ago". I love the tune to the song. But then you listen to the lyrics. His heartfelt, raw and bleeding emotion just pours through the lyrics "If all your love is wasted, then who the hell was I?". Just grabs me by the heart. I can't stop listening to it. Today I have listened to it perhaps 4 times. I'm on my second go in a row. Last night in the library, probably 5 times of the whole album on repeat, as it's quite short.
Right now I'm feeling pretty cack so I'm fairly sure listening to depressing music is barely going to help. I had managed to avoid a seizure for almost two months, but I gave in today. I was fighting with myself all through Dr Lycett's second lecture, pinching myself to distract from the pain in my eyes, in my head and the uncontrollable twitching of my arm. I tried to breathe slowly, but that made it worse. I tried to tell myself in my mind to calm down and stop. But I didn't fall for that. I decided to push myself through to the end, which was silly. At the end of the lecture, fighting back the tears of fear, I told Lucy to get me home. They scare the hell out of me. Seriously, I know I've had quite a few and you'd think that by having more you'd be used to them, but no. I just don't always know what was going to happen. And having one, while perching on a bollard while three of your friends look on, concerned and completely unsure of what to do iwas a novel experience for me. I've managed to always be in my room or Andy's room previously. I couldnt' stop twitching my legs and now they completely kill. Afterwards, I tried to get up to walk away and the wind blew me over. Kept losing control of my mouth.
Luckily, Lucy and Matt took the mick out of me a lot. I find that detracts from the scariness of it all. I still feel pretty shaken up. It was so awful, because there were just so many people about and all I wanted to do was hide away and tell the seizure to go away and leave me alone. I just hate it all so much. I still feel pretty upset now. It almost feels like I've taken a step back in a way.
So yeah, I've lost three hours of studying time so far today. I can't really concentrate. Writing down exactly what comes into your head is easy. But trying to force things into your head when you're tired and post seizure is hard.
Bad day.
Saturday, 28 March 2009
More pictures of new hobby
Forgot I created some more catimals.
This is Sylvia. She is the identical twin of the one I made for Towler.
Identical ish. She's the other way round and her stripes are vertical.
They look like they were conjoined from where I put the outside sewing.
Luckily for the next one I learnt how to sew invisible stitiches or he'd have a very odd looking head.
He is a space invader .... cat? ... made from Jason's old space invader style top. So yeah, he's pretty odd looking, but was fun to cut out and sew. I like his horns :D
Poo Poo Poo
Busy busy week of work work work.
Though there was some Nando's based fun, involving towering frozen yoghurt. Always good. Except the way I say frozen yoghurt - "frozen yo-gurt" like Americans instead of "yoh-gut". Oh well, I am awfully Americanised.
Am supposed to be seeing Ben Lee tonight, but instead I am feeling terribly sorry for myself. Andy's bust his back so I refuse to let him go or he'll be in pain the whole time. Now I can't go. Damn me and my obscure music taste - no one else knows who he is goddammit :(
Ahh well. I have had a good gig run. And yeah, this is only the first time in about 3 years that he's been to the UK. But I'm sure I'll get another chance.
I'm going to sulk and get a pizza instead. Over-eating will comfort me in my moment of sadness. I may as well eat and eat all the things I like anyway seeing as I will be living off potatoes and rice in Uganda.
IN EIGHT DAYS :D
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Though there was some Nando's based fun, involving towering frozen yoghurt. Always good. Except the way I say frozen yoghurt - "frozen yo-gurt" like Americans instead of "yoh-gut". Oh well, I am awfully Americanised.
Am supposed to be seeing Ben Lee tonight, but instead I am feeling terribly sorry for myself. Andy's bust his back so I refuse to let him go or he'll be in pain the whole time. Now I can't go. Damn me and my obscure music taste - no one else knows who he is goddammit :(
Ahh well. I have had a good gig run. And yeah, this is only the first time in about 3 years that he's been to the UK. But I'm sure I'll get another chance.
I'm going to sulk and get a pizza instead. Over-eating will comfort me in my moment of sadness. I may as well eat and eat all the things I like anyway seeing as I will be living off potatoes and rice in Uganda.
IN EIGHT DAYS :D
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Tuesday, 17 March 2009
New hobby alert!!
I found the idea for my new hobby a while ago on a funny little website, and since then I've been bugging myself to make one. So I had a few hours to kill this afternoon and a shirt donated by my friend...
This is the result!
He is sad because someone stole all his organs and stuffed him with pillow stuffing and then sewed him up with bright yellow thread. Poor little cat-bear. He hasn't got a name yet, that's for my friend Towler to decide.
I made the scarf out of some shoe lace I found.
I showed my housemate Jason and have thus been provided with a grey t shirt to make more with! I really enjoyed making him actually.
Going to make a female version for myself now! Not sure how she'll turn out, but I'm excited. Will give her longer legs as his are a bit small!
Saturday, 14 March 2009
Gloomy Saturday Afternoon
It was really sunny before. Where has the sun gone? I had the blinds drawn, the window open, Buena Vista Social Club blasting...
Now it's all gloomy and grr.
It was pretty awful weather in Cardiff too. The day James and I went to the Bay it completely soaked us as soon as we left his house, so we bought an umbrella and it didn't rain again all day! I shall probably put some Cardiff pictures up shortly. We went to the castle and had the walkie talkie doodahs that told us things about the castle. We also got shouted at because my flash kept going off. Oops.
Been doing animal behaviour reading all day. Quite proud of myself actually, though I don't want to lose my streak. Up to lecture 8 or so of 18, roughly. All fueled by dried mango, om nom nom.
I'm home alone. This is bizarre. Not used to being here solo.
On other notes, YAY RUGBY! Bit of a dull match at times, but at least we pulled it back.
I think we can all establish that this was a terribly pointless post.
Now it's all gloomy and grr.
It was pretty awful weather in Cardiff too. The day James and I went to the Bay it completely soaked us as soon as we left his house, so we bought an umbrella and it didn't rain again all day! I shall probably put some Cardiff pictures up shortly. We went to the castle and had the walkie talkie doodahs that told us things about the castle. We also got shouted at because my flash kept going off. Oops.
Been doing animal behaviour reading all day. Quite proud of myself actually, though I don't want to lose my streak. Up to lecture 8 or so of 18, roughly. All fueled by dried mango, om nom nom.
I'm home alone. This is bizarre. Not used to being here solo.
On other notes, YAY RUGBY! Bit of a dull match at times, but at least we pulled it back.
I think we can all establish that this was a terribly pointless post.
Sunday, 1 March 2009
I should not be trusted with computers: A vista messup.
Well. I learnt several things the last couple of days.
1. Installing things off a usb is generally not a good idea, especially if it requires your computer to restart.
2. The product key for vista is on the bottom of the laptop.
3. Microsoft are stingy bastards for not sending out recovery discs any more.
4. Making your own recovery discs is a time sucker upper.
5. I am no good at computers.
So yes, I pestered Philip to fix it, and he saved all my stuff off my C drive so I can reinstall vista to there eventually... just need a recovery disc to start with. The first two I made have both fallen at the first hurdle.
Being in Phil's office was fun, though. I was playing with the spray air and spinning chairs and some sherbert I found in his desk.
6. An office is a playground when empty.
Fencing was good too. Realised I am desperately out of practice but that's good as it's spurring me even more to go again and again and get better and better. Got some nice ideas of things to do for the rest of the year to go out with a bang.
At least I have dinner to look forward to: Baked sausages in apples and onions, honeyed roasted parsnips, roast new potatoes with garlic and rosemary, roasted tarragon carrots and probably some mint peas to round it off. Yum yum yum.
7. Clearly food I create has to have other flavours and cannot simply taste of 'potato' it must be potato, garlic and rosemary!
1. Installing things off a usb is generally not a good idea, especially if it requires your computer to restart.
2. The product key for vista is on the bottom of the laptop.
3. Microsoft are stingy bastards for not sending out recovery discs any more.
4. Making your own recovery discs is a time sucker upper.
5. I am no good at computers.
So yes, I pestered Philip to fix it, and he saved all my stuff off my C drive so I can reinstall vista to there eventually... just need a recovery disc to start with. The first two I made have both fallen at the first hurdle.
Being in Phil's office was fun, though. I was playing with the spray air and spinning chairs and some sherbert I found in his desk.
6. An office is a playground when empty.
Fencing was good too. Realised I am desperately out of practice but that's good as it's spurring me even more to go again and again and get better and better. Got some nice ideas of things to do for the rest of the year to go out with a bang.
At least I have dinner to look forward to: Baked sausages in apples and onions, honeyed roasted parsnips, roast new potatoes with garlic and rosemary, roasted tarragon carrots and probably some mint peas to round it off. Yum yum yum.
7. Clearly food I create has to have other flavours and cannot simply taste of 'potato' it must be potato, garlic and rosemary!
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